Let's see...
People might question how come I easily say that I am suffering depression and anxiety even without seeking professional help?
I didn't claim it that easily. For me it was a gradual change that took a while before I finally accepted that I have a problem with my mental health. It all started with my "quarter life crisis". I heavily blamed that phase in my life for my indecisions in life. Until that crisis went beyond three years and I started thinking, that was not a normal phase what I was going through. I never came out of that crisis, instead, it developed into something more.
I started Googling symptoms about depression and anxiety and I always have thought all of them were exactly what I was experiencing. Hyponchondriac much? Maybe. But not until three years ago when a person started noticing the change in me. Of course it was my father who actually had the audacity to say what it was that I was fighting off against.
He always had this line "Nako, uno ako sa psych noong nasa college ako kaya mabilis akong bumasa ng tao, blah blah blah". I still remember when he verbally said to me, "Bunso, yang pagkukulong mo sa kwarto, pagtulog halos buong araw, sign yan na baka may depression ka, lumabas ka naman ng bahay." I didn't acknowledge it that time, but that was when I started spiralling out of control, deep down inside. Five years after, I am still fighting to be alive, but I am buried deeper.
I tried masking it whenever I am around people, especially around my family. I accepted what I am going through, but I never had the courage to let others know. People might know, because I write about it. But most of the time, I just keep it to myself because I am not sure people will understand or maybe I am too afraid to be judged.
Currently, I think I am going through anxiety more than depression. I tweeted some time ago that I felt something was wrong with my body (specifically my heart) but I was afraid to see a doctor. It was actually chest pains. I thought I was developing a cardiovascular disease or something but when I finally had my check-up (just because it was a pre-employment requirement and I had no other choice), my heart was in perfect condition.
How can I say that it's anxiety? I stopped Googling by the way, but there would be random posts that would pop up about depression and anxiety on my social media feed. One particular post about anxiety has shot me through the core. I couldn't perfectly describe my mental health state but when I saw the list in the post, it was 100% what I am going through.
Anxiety isn't just about chest pains and the inability to "calm down". It's also...
I didn't claim it that easily. For me it was a gradual change that took a while before I finally accepted that I have a problem with my mental health. It all started with my "quarter life crisis". I heavily blamed that phase in my life for my indecisions in life. Until that crisis went beyond three years and I started thinking, that was not a normal phase what I was going through. I never came out of that crisis, instead, it developed into something more.
I started Googling symptoms about depression and anxiety and I always have thought all of them were exactly what I was experiencing. Hyponchondriac much? Maybe. But not until three years ago when a person started noticing the change in me. Of course it was my father who actually had the audacity to say what it was that I was fighting off against.
He always had this line "Nako, uno ako sa psych noong nasa college ako kaya mabilis akong bumasa ng tao, blah blah blah". I still remember when he verbally said to me, "Bunso, yang pagkukulong mo sa kwarto, pagtulog halos buong araw, sign yan na baka may depression ka, lumabas ka naman ng bahay." I didn't acknowledge it that time, but that was when I started spiralling out of control, deep down inside. Five years after, I am still fighting to be alive, but I am buried deeper.
I tried masking it whenever I am around people, especially around my family. I accepted what I am going through, but I never had the courage to let others know. People might know, because I write about it. But most of the time, I just keep it to myself because I am not sure people will understand or maybe I am too afraid to be judged.
Currently, I think I am going through anxiety more than depression. I tweeted some time ago that I felt something was wrong with my body (specifically my heart) but I was afraid to see a doctor. It was actually chest pains. I thought I was developing a cardiovascular disease or something but when I finally had my check-up (just because it was a pre-employment requirement and I had no other choice), my heart was in perfect condition.
How can I say that it's anxiety? I stopped Googling by the way, but there would be random posts that would pop up about depression and anxiety on my social media feed. One particular post about anxiety has shot me through the core. I couldn't perfectly describe my mental health state but when I saw the list in the post, it was 100% what I am going through.
Anxiety isn't just about chest pains and the inability to "calm down". It's also...
- Second guessing the "little things" that come easily to others
- Uncontrollable outbursts you "logically" know are unwarranted for the situation
- Getting overstimulated in busy environments
- Delaying important notifications for weeks/months
- Backing out of commitments last minute
- Being hypersensitive to noises
- Biting your nails off to cope with excess tension
This is me and my never-sleeping mind. It's getting tiresome. How hard should I still fight for some sliver of peace? 🦋
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