Just keep breathing...

Maybe for most people, this year was a blur. But to me, it was a ride I was wishing would end sooner.

"Happy 2019 guyshhhh!!! I am actually feeling positive and looking forward to everything that will happen this year. I can feel that my dark days are almost over, I hope yours too! Kapit lang, huwag bibitaw sa katinuan. Brighter days await! ✨" ← posted this on January 1, 2019 not really knowing what this year would bring me. And now that the year is almost over, I'd say this year has brought me to my knees.

I've been battling depression for three years, and 2019 has almost got me. This year was hell I thought I wouldn't make it. It has turned the ugliest when Mama left for the U.S. I was all alone in a big house, unemployed, the boyf only going home once every 5 weeks. When you have a mind that’s always in overdrive, distractions help. I had no distractions when I’m at home. I tried writing again but I couldn’t even put anything into words except my dark past slowly eating up my mind.

It was in August that I felt I was really going mental. Too many things running on my mind I wished for my life to end. In the years that I have been depressed, it was the only time I actually thought of ending my life. I almost, and no one knew I had almost ended it.

What stopped me from doing it is the thought of pain my family would endure if I did it. And what/who really helped me get past that is no other than the Lord. Every night since then I would listen/watch daily scriptures on Youtube. I read bible verses once a day. I prayed — again. I had lost belief that divine intervention helps, but I was proven wrong. When I thought this year was it for me, the Lord said otherwise. And now here I am, still struggling and will continue to struggle, but with a renewed faith that even if how many times I stray away from Him, He will always save me.

2019 has been very difficult and now that the year is almost at its close, I wouldn’t say that I’m going to be looking back to it. I wished for it to be liberating but it gave me the opposite. It has been the hardest for me, but if there’s one thing that I’ve been able to feel grateful about, it’s the fact that I’m still breathing for my loved ones.

For the next decade, all I will pray for is the start of my healing, and more inner peace. I know I need it. And also, more money so I can finally start seeking professional help.

Here’s to 2020 Nikki, keep breathing. 🦋