Happy Valentine’s Day to my anxiety

I thought opening up to at least one person about my past would make my life a little less heavy. Pero nothing has really changed about how I feel. Bakit ganun? It still bears the same weight. It still attacks me at the most random moments, like today, while driving on the way home, when I’m supposed to feel happy because love is in the air – literally. I kept telling myself out loud, “not today, not today”. I even kept mumbling “fuck” and “mukha kang tanga, Nikki”. Every week there would always be a day like this, a random day, no matter what I am doing, sometimes at the most random places. I would fight so hard to escape from a random breakdown. It’s so tiring.

Most of the times I feel pity for myself but then again, I would end up reminding myself that I chose to keep it so wala akong karapatan sa nararamdaman kong awa para sa sarili ko. Minsan gusto ko na lang bumigay and tell everyone. People would probably think “eh bakit nga ba hindi mo na lang sabihin?”. I wish it’s that easy. I wish nothing would change when I finally let my truth out pero hindi eh, everything will change and that’s what’s holding me back. It’s the reason why I keep fighting against my past kahit may instances na sobra na yung trigger and I feel like I can’t contain it anymore, but I still choose to look the other way and find distractions. I always choose to let my past swallow me into an abyss because letting it out isn’t an option right now. When the right time will be, I do not know. I wish I have the same courage to let it out as I have keeping it to myself.

Gusto ko ng maging malaya. Gusto kong lumaya. Pero sa ngayon, hindi pa siguro panahon. Kailangan ko pang kumapit sa kahit anong makakapitan ko. Ang importante, hindi pa ako nawawalan ng pag-asa na balang araw, the weight will be lifted and I will be able to live the life as it’s meant to be lived: with peace.

As for now, just keep breathing, Nikki. 🦋

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