When Arivel Writes

My mind Won’t stop running, Spinning. My head Swirling With thoughts. I am Crashing.

Again. Never ending cycle. Wish for it to end. But how?

People might question how come I easily say that I am suffering depression and anxiety even without seeking professional help? I didn't claim it that easily. For me it was a gradual change that took a while before I finally accepted that I have a problem with my mental health. It all started with my "quarter life crisis". I heavily blamed that phase in my life for my indecisions in life. Until that crisis went beyond three years and I started thinking, that was not a normal phase what I was going through. I never came out of that crisis, instead, it developed into something more. I started Googling symptoms about depression and anxiety and I always have thought all of them were exactly what I was experiencing. Hyponchondriac much? Maybe. But not until three years ago when a person started noticing the change in me. Of course it was my father who actually had the audacity to say what it was that I was fighting off against. He always had this line " Nako, uno ako...

I thought opening up to at least one person about my past would make my life a little less heavy. Pero nothing has really changed about how I feel. Bakit ganun? It still bears the same weight. It still attacks me at the most random moments, like today, while driving on the way home, when I’m supposed to feel happy because love is in the air – literally. I kept telling myself out loud, “not today, not today”. I even kept mumbling “fuck” and “mukha kang tanga, Nikki”. Every week there would always be a day like this, a random day, no matter what I am doing, sometimes at the most random places. I would fight so hard to escape from a random breakdown. It’s so tiring. Most of the times I feel pity for myself but then again, I would end up reminding myself that I chose to keep it so wala akong karapatan sa nararamdaman kong awa para sa sarili ko. Minsan gusto ko na lang bumigay and tell everyone. People would probably think “eh bakit nga ba hindi mo na lang sabihin?”. I wish it’s that easy. ...