When Arivel Writes

Again. Never ending cycle. Wish for it to end. But how?

People might question how come I easily say that I am suffering depression and anxiety even without seeking professional help? I didn't claim it that easily. For me it was a gradual change that took a while before I finally accepted that I have a problem with my mental health. It all started with my "quarter life crisis". I heavily blamed that phase in my life for my indecisions in life. Until that crisis went beyond three years and I started thinking, that was not a normal phase what I was going through. I never came out of that crisis, instead, it developed into something more. I started Googling symptoms about depression and anxiety and I always have thought all of them were exactly what I was experiencing. Hyponchondriac much? Maybe. But not until three years ago when a person started noticing the change in me. Of course it was my father who actually had the audacity to say what it was that I was fighting off against. He always had this line " Nako, uno ako

I thought opening up to at least one person about my past would make my life a little less heavy. Pero nothing has really changed about how I feel. Bakit ganun? It still bears the same weight. It still attacks me at the most random moments, like today, while driving on the way home, when I’m supposed to feel happy because love is in the air – literally. I kept telling myself out loud, “not today, not today”. I even kept mumbling “fuck” and “mukha kang tanga, Nikki”. Every week there would always be a day like this, a random day, no matter what I am doing, sometimes at the most random places. I would fight so hard to escape from a random breakdown. It’s so tiring. Most of the times I feel pity for myself but then again, I would end up reminding myself that I chose to keep it so wala akong karapatan sa nararamdaman kong awa para sa sarili ko. Minsan gusto ko na lang bumigay and tell everyone. People would probably think “eh bakit nga ba hindi mo na lang sabihin?”. I wish it’s that easy.

Maybe for most people, this year was a blur. But to me, it was a ride I was wishing would end sooner. " Happy 2019 guyshhhh!!! I am actually feeling positive and looking forward to everything that will happen this year. I can feel that my dark days are almost over, I hope yours too! Kapit lang, huwag bibitaw sa katinuan. Brighter days await! ✨"   ← posted this on January 1, 2019 not really knowing what this year would bring me. And now that the year is almost over, I'd say this year has brought me to my knees. I've been battling depression for three years, and 2019 has almost got me. This year was hell I thought I wouldn't make it.  It has turned the ugliest when Mama left for the U.S. I was all alone in a big house, unemployed, the boyf only going home once every 5 weeks. When you have a mind that’s always in overdrive, distractions help. I had no distractions when I’m at home. I tried writing again but I couldn’t even put anything into words except my dark

As I stare into the dark clouds and contemplate about my past, I see no difference: floating darkness, the direction unknown. But, there's a rainbow always after the rain; sunrise after dawn; clear skies after a thunderstorm. I know all about them, and I experienced all of 'em. But you know what? The fact is, it's a never ending cycle. Darkness into light, light into darkness. Only two cycles. You want another fact? It is only in heaven where light is never ending. I've been craving light for so long, but I also know that I have to endure this, for the people that I love and the people that love me back. So here I am, staring at the dark skies, wishing everything is as light as the clouds so for once the heavy feeling can finally be lifted. I want to run free, without shackles around my ankles. I want to fly free, without something weighing me down. I want to live in light. I want to experience the feeling of living freely again. I'm getting tired of carryin

I've been on writing and reading hiatus for more than five years due to the state of my mental health. As I try to build myself again from nothing, I will also try my best to write something and post it on my blog at least once a month. I'm trying to regain all the love I lost for the past five years. I know it will never be easy, but I think I am finally ready to give it a try once again. Please pray for me, and bear with me. I can not promise to make sense in all the content that I will be posting from here on out. It maybe most of the time mundane just to take my mind off of something that might be bothering me or it might be an interesting read. Who knows? My mind surprises me most of the time. ☺ xoxo, Nikki